28 Days Later: The Horror Of Returns
Welcome back,
My blog isn't normally a place where I rant. Well, this isn't really a rant more of an observation. My best friend and I were talking about my weird shopping habits. I don't try things on, I don't ask shop assistants for help, I don't ask my friends' advice and I don't do returns, ever. I don't know why exactly...just all of these things that come hand and hand in shopping freak me out. I just don't like doing them. Anyway I wanted to talk about the stages of returning an item and the horror about policies and statuary rights that really makes me feel like I am in a horror film. Welcome to 28 days later, the aftermath of your impulsive shop.
1. DENIAL.
This is the stage that is the easiest. Normally this denial comes with items that do not fit properly. I try them on at home and look in the mirror and think...
it looks a little weird here but it'll do, I mean I don't mind my body looking a little odd when I like the idea of these clothes- actually I look good, I like these clothes.
Or if its shoes my mind works a little like this:
I don't mind squeezing my foot into this prison of a shoe and not being able to walk- they look cute, comfort is not important. You know what I am a warrior and I can stand this pain if my feet look this awesome.
Oh how naive you are past-tense me, you are about to embark on a journey of which there is no return.
2. ACCEPTANCE/REALISATION.
To me, acceptance that an item isn't what you envisioned is the most sad realisation. This is when I realise no it won't do, my hips look like the size of China and I cannot walk without being in searing pain or looking like a penguin. Great. I look in the mirror and wish I had not been given my body as it seems clothes I like are not made to suit it. Dammit.
That's when it hits me. I stop feeling sorry for myself and feel a wave of panic and fear lap over me.
I have to do the unspeakable and return the item.
3. THE JOURNEY.
Whether the item has been brought online or at store I still have to make my way to the post office or said shop. I clear my schedule so I can deal with this abhorrent task and I can guarantee you that every obstacle possible will be in my way to get to my destination. I can feel my adrenaline pumping and my mind ticking over about what I am going to say when I get there. But then my train of thought is cut dead in its tracks as an overwhelming feeling of anger erupts when I witness the huge line of people.
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
4. THE BATTLE.
I finally get to the front of the line! It is my turn to get a step closer to returning that accursed impulsive buy. I can feel everyone else in the line staring at the back of my head thinking-great...what is she doing...hurry up.
At this point I try to look behind me to assure my fellow shoppers that I am indeed trying to make this process as painless and as fuss free as possible however instead of understanding nods being exchanged I am confronted with the stank face.
Fabulous. The clerk or sales assistant will then proceed to ask a million questions about the item that I just don't know. I am awkward and start spurting out yes and no answers to open ended questions whilst stank face behind me starts huffing at my incompetence at being a human. Now I hate returns and people. To top that all off if I am at the post office I have to pay an obscene amount to return some ill-fitted item. Again, I am investing in something I quite obviously do not want.
5. THE AFTERMATH.
You walk away from the counter and you say it's finally over.
A warm calming energy comes over you and you feel safe, that is, unless your at the post office. Then you realise you will have to wait for the item to be returned to the retailer and are still out of pocket for the product and the postage. Wow. Will it be returned within the returns policy notice period? There is nothing to do but hope, only hope.
*I hope you enjoyed reading this post as much as I did writing it. Just a little note this post was just for a little bit of fun. Obviously I am not saying this is the most horrific thing to happen in the world. Its just a bit of fun.
